SV: 8-10 "Bride" Review/Recap

 

Well, that was interesting. Too bad Doomsday didn’t show up before the wedding to thrash the groom.

I really don’t see the point of Chloe marrying Jimmy. She wasn’t in her right mind for the last few months; what with blacking out, being forgetful, her subsequent amnesia, and being under Brainiac’s influence. Of course, that’s not to mention what Clark did last week. What he refers to as his "wedding gift". Please. A lot of what happened to Chloe in the last few years involved Clark’s secret. Her mind is like Swiss cheese now.

I’d like to think that Brainiac was playing Clark when Chloe suggested a meteor rock was perfect for the "something borrowed". The alternative is that Chloe doesn’t remember the Wall of Weird, the effects Kryptonite has on people and her own and her mother’s meteor infection. How much did Clark take away?!

Jimmy. Jimmy is such an insecure douche. Even as he’s about to marry Chloe, he’s pushing Lois toward Clark. Even after he’s married to Chloe, he interrupts Chloe’s dance with Clark. Blah. He does, however, try to protect Chloe from the monster (which is more than Oliver does). That’s something, I guess.

Doomsday was sufficiently creepy and scary. Davis is surprisingly more creepy and scary. Hiding body parts? Ewww. His panic when he called Chloe while wiping the blood off his truck was very well played. Mr. Witwer, I am most definitely a fan!

Lana is back. Oh joy. Clark lucked out because the mind-wiping dunce would still be writhing on the floor staring at the Green K if Lana hadn’t s shown up. I’m glad she set Clark straight on wiping Chloe’s memory of his secret though. Lana brings back the "secreths and lieths" as she’s obviously concealing something from everyone... again. Oh joy.

Lois. Between the grating orders, the pawing of Clark’s suit, the pining eyes of pining, the self-pitying and the drinking – nothing, but nothing can redeem this Lois for me ever. It doesn’t help that Durance can’t act.

Kent Home: Clark and Lois are in front of the camera. The cameraman tells them to be themselves. Clark tells Chloe and Jimmy that they are lucky to have found each other and vows to make their day perfect. Uh oh. Describing something as "perfect" never ends well.

 

Kent Barn: The camera-guy videos Chloe coming down the loft stairs with Clark as Jimmy and Lois wait at the altar. Later Chloe and Jimmy are pronounced man and wife. Later again the bride and groom dance then cut the cake. Suddenly a loud thudding is heard. Part of the barn is knocked over. The camera is askew on the floor filming Chloe holding an injured Jimmy. Something towers over Chloe. There’s a scream and the video shows static.

Eight hours earlier, Lois is walking around holding a notebook with a Bluetooth headset on her head. She’s barking orders left and right. Everyone around her is preparing the barn for the wedding. The barn?! Really?! Whose idea was it and doesn’t it smell like... a barn? Lois, using the handle Mother Goose, asks Goldilocks (Chloe) what the status is. She’s pleased to hear things are ahead of schedule. Jimmy’s bud from the DP is the cameraman. Lois tries to contact Baby Bear (Clark). Jimmy (Papa Bear) comes up to Lois. He suggests Lois go with Clark to the reception. Stop trying so hard, Jimmy. He says that he’s seen how they look at each other. Like they want to kill each other? Lois thinks that Clark just likes to drive her crazy. Jimmy counters that it’s Flirtation 101 – what a guy does when he’s into a girl. Yeah... when he’s 10-years-old! Maybe Lois should have pigtails so Clark can pull them. Jimmy hands Lois Clark’s suit and leaves. Lois ogles and paws the suit until she notices that she’s being filmed. She slugs the cameraman.

Jimmy tells the cameraman that he forgot his bowtie. He opens the door to find Chloe putting on her garter. She’s dressed in lingerie. Camera guy doesn’t mind, he continues filming. Jimmy realizes that he’s seeing Chloe before the wedding and tells the cameraman to leave. He then has a panic attack. Seeing the bride before the wedding is bad luck. Chloe calms him down. Blech. Jimmy’s an insecure whiny jerk. While Jimmy gets his bowtie, Chloe’s cell rings. It’s a message from Davis. He asks that she call him back. When Jimmy asks who it is, Chloe lies that it’s Lois.

At the Kent home, Clark walks into preparations for the wedding. Hmm. The food looks delicious. Oliver is standing in the living room. Clark jokes that Lois will pin an apron on him and give him a fairytale character name. Mama bear? Oliver solemnly tells Clark that Lex is alive. Oliver explains that Lex is using a wireless router to contact Tess. Oliver wants Clark to get the router so they can trace where Lex is. Clark says that he isn’t available. It’ll have to wait 24-hours. Oliver thinks that Chloe will understand. Clark admits that he had Jor-El remove Chloe’s memories of his secret. Clark adds that Chloe’s suffered a lot because of him (Clark) and not giving her away on her wedding day is not an option. Oliver reminds Clark that while Chloe may not know the secret, Lex does. Hey, no problem. Clark can drag Lex to the Fortress and have Jor-El work his magic. Problem solved. Yeah. I’m still disgusted.

Oliver’s Jet: Oliver is looking at a picture of his parents. A newspaper lies open on the article about the Queens’ deaths. Clark spots the newspaper. He wants to know if Oliver is tracking Lex to avenge his parents’ deaths. "You can’t punish the son for the sins of the father" Clark tells him. Too bad Jonathan didn’t believe that. He never gave Lex a chance because of what he perceived Lionel had done. Clark tells Oliver that when his dad died, he (Clark) almost crossed a line that he couldn’t come back from. Clark won’t let Oliver cross that line. Oliver claims that he’s doing it for Clark. Oliver adds that it’ll take him a few hours to download the data from the router. Clark refuses to leave the router with Oliver. When Clark leaves, Oliver’s minion comes out. Oliver tells him that Clark took the router. Minion tells Oliver that he got the data via Wi-Fi. It’s amazing how techno-unsavy Clark and Oliver are.

In the Kent loft, Chloe stands facing away from the mirror holding her bouquet. Lois comes up the stairs. Chloe thanks Lois for all the preparations she’s done. They hug. Chloe’s cell rings. Chloe doesn’t answer it. Lois asks what’s going on. Chloe explains that Davis has been calling all day and he is a little confused. She adds that the week before he kissed her and told her that he wouldn’t let her marry the wrong guy. Lois asks if Chloe has feelings for Davis. Chloe assures her that she doesn’t. Lois makes it all about her and asks when one knows that they’d found The One. When Chloe replies that she’ll know, Lois says that it’s not about her. Yawn. Lois and her non-love-life is dragging this story down.

Lois asks if Chloe is ready. Chloe replies that she has everything but the "something borrowed". Chloe looks through Clark’s desk. Chloe finds the box containing meteor rock. Clark comes up the stairs and asks what is going on. Chloe, smiling brightly, suggests Clark carry a piece of Smallville’s finest meteor rock. Clark winces and backs away. Ha! Brainiac is toying with Clark. He deserves it. Clark says that he’s got a better idea. He takes out the Smallville High yearbook and retrieves a dried white rose. He explains that Chloe gave him the rose freshman year at the Homecoming Dance (actually it was the Spring Formal). Clark adds that he "never throws away good memories". No. He just wipes them from other people’s minds. Chloe puts the rose in her bouquet.

Alquizar, Cuba: The Green Arrow walks silently through a plant. When he spots a bald man looking out the window, he shoots an arrow at the man’s head. "Goodbye, Lex", he says in monotone. When he approaches the "man", he realizes that it was only a mannequin. An unsigned note on the mannequin reads "Sorry I missed you". Suddenly GA is kicked from behind. He turns to look at his assailant and finds... Lana Lang. Nooooooooo!

Lana is surprised that Oliver Queen moonlights as Green Arrow. She wonders if Clark knows. Oliver replies that Clark knows his secrets more than he knows Lana’s. When Oliver asks if the note is meant for him or Lana, Lana claims that she followed the leads to protect Clark. Oliver replies that it’s good since no one is too concerned that Lex knows Clark’s secret. Oliver offers to help Lana. Lana says that as GA he’s better than this. Oh, Saint Lana, how I haven’t missed you. Oliver replies that she sounds like Clark. Lana replies that they should all be more like Clark. She asks how Clark is. Oliver replies that he’s giving Chloe away at her wedding. He suggests she come. When she refuses citing that it’s "too complicated", Oliver says that Chloe is Lana’s best friend. "What would Clark do?" asks Oliver. Don’t ask.

Kent home: Lois comes down the stairs urging Clark to hurry up. Clark is at the bottom of the stairs. He gives Lois the once over. Blech. Poor guy is desperate. Clark says that he’s having trouble with the cufflinks. Lois helps him, taking the opportunity to make sexual innuendo. That Lois. She’s classy. She hands Clark Jimmy’s vows and turns away. "It’s really hard for me to put my feelings into words but from the moment we met I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you", reads Clark. Lois looks hopeful. How pathetic! She just gave Clark Jimmy’s vows. Does she really think sexual innuendo will have Clark falling at her feet? Camera-guy, holding his video camera, suggests a testimonial before the ceremony.

 

Davis is standing near his truck. He is covered in blood and trying desperately to wipe the blood off his truck. He is on his cell almost begging Chloe to call him back. He zips up his jacket to conceal the blood then grabs two bags that look like they are full of blood and body parts. Ewwwwwwww! He puts the bags in a garbage bin. Ewwwwwwww! As he turns around, a flashlight shines in his eyes. It’s a security guard doing his rounds. He asks if Davis is okay. Davis replies that it was a false alarm. The guard notices blood on the ground beside the bins. Davis is looking really pale and sweaty. He warns the guard to go. The guard looks into the bins and draws his gun at Davis. He asks Davis what he’s done. Davis replies that he blacked out; it’s not his fault. Davis looks down at his hand. He warns the guard to go right now. Davis drops to the ground, his hand on the garbage bin. Suddenly his hand grows spikes. The guard looks on in horror. He shoots but too late he’s toast. Blood spatters everywhere.

 

At the wedding, the announcer says it’s time for the bride and her escort to dance. Chloe thanks Clark for holding the wedding in his barn. Clark says that Chloe’s always been the best friend he ever could have had. Chloe is confused. She reassures Clark that they’ve been through too much together and nothing will make her forget that. Except Clark, that is. Clark replies that the important thing is that Chloe’s happy. Chloe says that it’s like this weight has been lifted. Hehehe. Poor Clark. I’m pretty sure Brainiac is playing him. Jimmy interrupts the dance. Clark stands at the side of the dance floor. He looks around and spots Lois, looking hopeful in his direction. Clark takes her hand to dance. They look really awkward dancing together. When someone bumps Lois closer to Clark, Clark looks down at her. He starts to lean in for a kiss. No, Clark, don’t throw your life away! Just then Chloe’s voice breaks the spell. "No way! I can’t believe it!" It’s Lana. Lois slinks to the background while Clark looks at Lana and Chloe goes to hug her.

Lois grabs a bottle from a waiter and goes outside to drown her sorrows *sniff*. Booze – it’s good when you’re happy, sad, and everything in between. Oliver shows up. He asks what’s wrong. Lois tells him to join the party. It’ll be a buzz kill to listen to her whine like Patsy Kline. I agree so I fast forward through the scene.

Lana looks at the messages on her cell. "Did the archer believe you?" is displayed on the screen. Clark says that he could have used some warning and wonders why she’s back. Lana goes on a tangent about how Clark should have been the RBB all along. Heh. I’d believe it more if Lana hadn’t wanted to leave everything and everyone to run away to Paris with Bizarro. Lana says that leaving was the hardest decision she ever made. Oh, like leaving at the end of s3? Or at the end of s6? Shut up, Lana. Lana wistfully says that she dreamt of having a wedding at the barn but she thought she’d play a bigger part. Clark replies that she would have if he’d given her Chloe’s wedding gift. Huh? Clark says he had Jor-El erase all of Chloe’s memories of his secret. Oh shut the heck up, Clark. You still don’t see what you did as a violation of Chloe’s mind and trust. Geez. This guy’s supposed to be a hero? Clark wonders if it would have made things different between them. Come on, writers, we had 6+ years of "secreths and lieths" with Clana! Clark couldn’t tell Lana because she might 1) not accept him 2) blame him for her parents’ deaths 3) be in danger. Please. Lana lies that she understands the lies Clark told to protect her. Really? Bull! She went so far as to lie to Martha to get on the farm to go through Clark’s things to figure out his secret. And she didn’t hesitate to put Chloe’s life in danger to get his secret. Are these writers for real?! Lana says that she’d never forgive Clark if he took away her knowledge. Well, finally one truthful thought. After more blabbering, Lana says that "Maybe Clark Kent and Lana Lang aren’t meant to be together". *yawn* How many times have they had that conversation? They are interrupted by requests for the bride and groom to cut the cake.

 

As the cake is cut, Clark notices that the punch is shaking. There is also banging in the distance. The lights go out and everyone looks up. Camera-guy is right in front capturing the action. A part of the ceiling comes down on the guests and Lana is knocked down. Clark rushes to her. She reassures Clark that she’s okay and tells him to go. A monster – Doomsday - stands in the barn. There is a mad rush to escape. Clark tries to punch the monster but is thrown thirty feet into the loft. The kryptonite is knocked out of the lead box. Clark is unable to get up. Lana starts up to the loft, her leg is bleeding. The camera-guy is attacked and the camera drops to the ground, still filming. The monster heads toward Chloe and Jimmy. Jimmy tries to fight the monster but is slashed across the chest. Chloe crawls to Jimmy. The monster approaches Chloe. Lana meanwhile reaches the Kryptonite and throws it away from Clark. Clark gets up. Oliver announces that the monster has taken Chloe. Huh? Jimmy tried to take on the monster and Oliver, his hair perfect, does nothing? Why didn’t the Green Arrow try to stop the monster?

The SV emergency is full of injured people. Clark goes over to see Lana – who is in a hospital gown despite the fact that it’s only her leg that’s injured. He tells Lana that Oliver is using every satellite to track down Chloe. Lois walks by and quickly leaves. Lana tells Clark to go. Clark meets Lois in the hallway. Lois informs him that Jimmy is being moved to Star City to see the country’s top surgeons. She adds that she’s going there to stay with him. Lois is upset because terrible things keep happening. Clark hugs her and promises that Chloe’ll be okay.

In the Fortress, Doomsday lays Chloe down. She opens her eyes and gives the creepiest smile ever *shudder*. Whoa, Brainiac’s back!

Someone watches the video of Chloe and Jimmy cutting the cake in the barn and the chaos that ensues. It’s Lex, attached to life support. Sadly, it is not MR. I hope we don’t get the back of fake!Lex’s head for the rest of the season!