SV: The Flana Theory

 

The Chlois Theory is well known among the online SV fandom. It is the theory that Chloe Sullivan is really iconic Lois Lane in everything but name. A little known theory, although widely suspected, is the Flana Theory. It is the theory that Lana Lang is a meteor freak. I don’t know who first came up with the theory but, if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Just about all meteor freaks got their powers from exposure to meteor rocks in the first or the second meteor shower. (I say "just about" because second generation meteor freaks, like Maddie in "Fragile", inherited their powers). After the first meteor shower, Lex lost his hair and developed a heightened immune system. More recently, Chloe has gained the ability to heal others. Countless others were also affected. Lana Lang was at ground zero in both meteor showers. She lost her parents in the first shower (bet you didn’t know that) and wore a piece of the meteor that killed them around her neck for years. If exposure to green K is what creates a meteor freak, then Lana has that in spades.

She was on the cover of Time magazine as the poster child of the first meteor shower. Her biggest fear is to be alone, abandoned like she was when she was 3 years old. And she hasn’t been alone; she’s had one person after another want her, stalk her, love her, want to protect her, and, when they can’t have her, want to kill her. Men, women, and children – they are all obsessed with or amazed by Lana Lang. Greg, Byron, Ian, Emily, Tina, Jake, Seth, Adam, Jason, Alicia, Jason, Genevieve, Dr. Grohl, costume lady, security guard, the sorority sisters, Zod, Bizarro, Lara, Kara, Lois, Chloe, Clark, Lex,... No one is immune to Lana’s power.

People, who just met Lana, can’t help but comment on her awesomeness. Take costume lady in “Wither” who exclaimed, "My God! Your complexion is more radiant than even in the magazines!" or the bartender in "Exile" who told Kal, "If she's the one you've been saving yourself for, I can understand the wait." or Buffy in "Thirst" who told Lana, "Lana, come on. You're amazing. Of course we want you to be one of us." Lois knew Lana for less than an hour when she described Lana as a "hot, smart, fun girl". People everywhere are in awe of Lana. After Lana blackmailed Dr Grohl and threatened his family, he still wanted to protect her. Before he went into hiding, he took the time to warn her about Lex.

Henry Small, Lana’s biological father, became so obsessed with Lana; his wife, Jennifer, was ready to file for divorce. Here’s an excerpt from “Witness”:

Jennifer: [Slightly frustrated] Lana, I have learned to handle a lot in this marriage. That's because through it all, I knew I was Henry's priority. [Becoming upset] Since he met you, I am not sure that's true anymore.
Lana: [Tears welling in her eyes] I never meant to come between you.
Jennifer: But you did. [Slightly angry] Lana, you are *all* he talks about. You're a window to a happier time. [Calming down a bit] I guess I am telling you this because... I'm admitting defeat. You win.

Van McNulty in "Extinction" remarked: "That girl's got so many guys tailing her she should qualify for secret service protection." Eh, he obviously didn't know about the women and children that obsessed about Lana.

Clark has been Lana-obsessing off and on for seven (painfully long) years (longer if you consider Offscreensville). She has treated him like crap, nagged him to tell her his secret, lied to him, kept her own secrets, jumped from boyfriend to backup boyfriend, slept with and married his ex-friend, spat out hurtful things, derided him for not using his powers to kill, and shown that her values are very different from his. Yet he still clings to his perfect image of her. “Labyrinth” should have taught Clark that he harbors an unrealistic, warped (and scary) image of Lana in his mind, instead seeing that image reignited his Lana-obsession.

Lana is the only character on Smallville who has been associated with the blinding white light of beauty, loveliness, and purity. In "Blank", when amnesiac!Clark sees her, she is literally glowing and Clark can’t help but fall under her spell resulting in Clana attempt #638. In "Fierce", when Lana walks into the barn (after faking her death) she’s once again aglow with white light.

Lex Luthor was so besotted by Lana that when she told him that she loved both him and Clark, he went along with it! He was ready to marry Lana and forever play second fiddle to Clark Kent if it meant he was with Lana forever. Even after Lana faked her death, framed him for her "murder", embezzled $10M, moved in with Clark, spied on and tried to kill him, Lex made all her illegal activities disappear and still continues to protect her. I am convinced that, if she encourages him in any way, he’ll gladly take her back all the while apologizing for his past sins.

 

Lionel Luthor – who didn’t hesitate to kill his parents, poison his son, shoot Lucas, experiment on Clark, set up Chloe’s murder - compliments Lana on her ability to play the Luthor game. After he blackmails her into marrying Lex and she is shot, Lionel apologizes to her: "I'm sorry, Lana. I'm sorry I got you caught up in all this. I'll find whoever did this. I'll find them." Heck even after she had him kidnapped and tortured, he treats her like a child who’s lost her way (and he beat Lana’s accomplice to death!).

After being with Lana less than two minutes, Lara Jor-El senses the darkness within Lana. She, however, doesn’t threaten Lana to stay away from Clark and doesn’t warn Clark about Lana. No, she urges Lana to keep her dark side at bay. Oh please.

Zod is finally free from the Phantom Zone. He will make Earth into a new Krypton under his rule. He has no use for Earthlings. But first, he must kiss Lana. Oy.

The latest Lana conquest is Bizarro. Bizarro is with Lana less than a day and it seems like he’s falling under her spell (I sincerely hope that’s not the case).

Now it's true that in "Freak" Tobias failed to identify Lana as a meteor freak. But remember that Tobias could only identify meteor freaks with his glasses off. However Tobias never got a chance to look at Lana without his glasses.

Lana’s meteor power has grown stronger year after year. And her power is further magnified the longer the person is around her. The episode "Magnetic" established the precedent. Seth’s power amplified over time. At first, he had to touch the person to affect them. By the end of the episode his influence lingered even when he was no longer with the person.

That is what I believe was the cause of the out-of-character actions of Clark, Martha, and Chloe in "Promise". I mean why else would both Martha and Chloe encourage Clark to crash Lana and Lex’s wedding? And why would Clark, who in s1 refused to make a move on Lana while she dated Whitney, decide it was alright to go after a pregnant Lana on her wedding day? Because Lana’s meteor power compelled all of them to! Clark even practiced proposing to her... on her wedding day... while she was carrying another man’s child! Poor Jonathan (who, by the way, never fell under Lana’s spell) must have been spinning in his grave.

Lana’s meteor power also explains why Clark allowed Mrs. Lex Luthor to paw him in front of her husband in "Nemesis" and why said husband was okay with it. It explains why Clark wasn’t repulsed when he found out that Lana was willing to let Lex die in the tunnels in "Nemesis" but continued to lust after her.

Lana’s power over Clark explains why, after she faked her death and committed a "serious crime", Clark suggests she stay at the farm, no questions asked. It explains why after Clark found out Lana lied to him for months, kidnapped and tortured Lionel, embezzled money, spied on and tried to kill Lex, and mocked him (Clark) for not using his powers to kill, he’s still with her.

The Flana Theory explains why people put up with a selfish, self-involved, lying, deceiving, blackmailing, embezzling, attempted-murdering bitch and still see her as blameless, perfect and right. It explains why two larger-than-life icons – Clark Kent and Lex Luthor – are reduced to two lobotomized 15-year-olds in a pissing contest.

The Flana Theory explains why characters are inexplicably obsessed/in love/in awe of Lana and why characters’ IQs diminish substantially when they’re in Lana’s presence. Mostly the theory redeems the characters of Clark, Lex, Chloe, Martha, and Lionel who have been systematically assassinated in the glorifying of Lana Lang.

Check out complicat's lj for a list of Lana admirers/stalkers and check out Freak!Watch: Evidence that Lana has the World's Suckiest Superpower, led by Black Panda and ldok, for an in-depth analysis and discussion of the Flana Theory.